To the Mommas...

Since the kids have been home, my mind has been busy with all kinds of thoughts about motherhood. Thoughts about how I treated my mom growing up, especially in those teenage years. We are close friends now, but oh do I wish I could erase the disrespect I had toward her growing up. She had a hard job rearing the three of us. She deserved better.

As I stare in the eyes of my two beauties, I see their birth mothers. Every day. I wonder about them. When they do something cute or they learn something new, I wish there was a way I could call them on the phone and share the news.  I wonder if they are doing okay. Soon I will be sending them updates and I just pray that they receive them. I am concerned that they never will, especially with Samson's birth mom. She lives in one of the worst slums in the world.

If I had a chance to sit down with each of our kids' birth moms, this is what I would say....

Christie, clearly Lydie gets her beauty from you. Lydie is the life of the party. She is fun, energetic, and full of joy. That's why we decided her middle name would be Joy. Lydie loves to run fast. She also loves swinging and hanging upside down. She sleeps as hard as she plays and love to talk.  

I was so happy you asked to ride with us to the airport that day. The day you said goodbye. It's hard to know what to do when there is a language barrier between us, but I hope my face expressed the gratitude and love I have toward you. You have truly given us the most precious gift anyone could ever give. Please know we cherish her and we won't take her for granted. 

Chantale, I can't even imagine what daily life is like for you. But you can rest in knowing that Samson is thriving!  He has changed right before our eyes. He's funny, musical, loud and loves to cuddle. He's becoming more brave around people every day and has a killer smile. There isn't a food he won't eat and he loves to play with and terrorize his sister. 

I feel like we didn't get a proper goodbye the day we left. I don't know what happened but I'm sorry you didn't return to ride with us to the airport. Maybe it was too hard. I don't know. But I pray for you and thank you that you chose to save the life of your son.  He is a precious gift to us and we love him so much.  

I know I've made mistakes already in the 6 months that we have had them home. There have been times when I've been short with them, or been a little too distracted to listen.  I just pray they forgive me for my shortcomings. I love being their momma and pray for God's grace when I fail. 

Scattered

I've written and deleted this post over and over this past week. I wrote about the experiences I've had with derogatory comments made on three separate occasions since the kids have been home. Then I decided a post dedicated to that was not worth my time and effort. Let's face it...this world is bound for destruction. It's not getting any better folks. The events in Boston over the past week proves that. All I can say is, I'm blessed to have grown up in a home where race was never an issue. Cultural diversity was celebrated and accepted in our home. Thank you mom and dad.

Then I decided to write about my comfy pants. I know, strange segue but hear me out. There is nothing better than comfy pants. Some of the comfy pants I wear are from high school.  I'll never forget my favorite pair of Victoria Secret flannel comfy pants that I inadvertently left on the back of a hotel bathroom door in Chicago. Makes me sad just thinking about it.

But then I decided I should write about the latest album by Audio Adrenaline. It's been a long time since a CCM album has moved me the way Kings and Queens has.  Here are some of my favorite lyrics:

"...say what they want about the straight and narrow, but it's the bends and curves that kill" from City on a Hill.

"whom shall we fear? No one, no one!" from Raise the Banner. This one gets sung a lot around our house by the kids. It's a great message to instill in their hearts. The kids come from a country full of fearful people and one of my desires is for them to be strong and fearless. 

"...and when I rise and when I fall, You are the answer. I know it's true cause I tried it all, You are the answer" from The Answer. Probably my favorite song on the album so far. 

"...I can push back the mountains, can stand on the waves, I can see through the darkness, I hold up a flame. Take me to the ocean, I want to go deeper, I'm not afraid, no, I'm a believer" from Believer. 

Then I wanted to write about our experience yesterday when we decided we would buy a new car. We had been eyeing one 200 miles north of us and the price had reduced two weeks ago. We dropped the kids off at mom and dad's and jumped in the car and off we went. I may or may not have done a little jig in the driveway before we left. I won't tell. About 15 minutes into our drive we decided it would be a good idea to call the dealership to confirm that we were in fact coming. We had exchanged emails the night before but wanted to speak to a live person before we got too far up the road. The salesman informed us that the car had sold days ago. What!! The email we had received the night before said "this vehicle shows currently in stock." It felt like our day together alone was ruined. We turned around, went out for breakfast and spent a delightful day with the family. C'est la vie, I guess.

So, I don't know what I am going to write about, but I promise I will have a new post up here soon! Have a great week, friends.

At last!

Well, the hard part is done. I've found a title that has captured where I want my new blog to go. My desire is for this to be an uplifting place where you can take a peak into my heart. My soul. I intend to share what it is like to rear two Haitian-American children in a land where very few look like them. I promise to be honest about the struggles along the way and hope you join me on this beautiful ride.

Getting here was hard. Actually, I don't know if there is a word in the English language that describes how hard it was at times.  But now that they are here, it feels like they've always been here.  They have captured my heart in a way I never could have imagined. At times they frustrate me because they are kids after all, but the good definitely outweighs the bad even on the most difficult days.

What is it like to go from being married and having a career for 15 years to staying at home 90% of the time?  At first I thought I might lose my mind. I was bored. I felt like a babysitter at times. But after two weeks being home something started to change in me. I started accepting my new role, my new responsibilities. I was starting to feel like a mommy. Their mommy. I could feel the bond between them and me strengthening every day. It was amazing and I know the prayers of our friends and families were getting us through. Now we are 4 months home. Spring is here and we have a whole summer to look forward to.

It's time to live again.